Struggle

Being a poor young intelligent individual is tough. I always think I have a plan or solution to the chaos of life. My thought my be correct. I have great intentions, I try to make life happen and do things but then I always get into some sort of funk where I do nothing. I get lazy. I stop working out. I just sit around and bum around.

This could be due to the fact that when I am in my active state I stay active until pure exhaustion and then my bum state comes along for maybe a month or so. I start to get lazy and not care to do much besides go to work and go home and sleep all hours. It gets to the point where nothing is satisfying unless if it is late night boozing but even then that wears on my individual. I become fatigued, lost in thought, great thought, possibly the best thought of life but my laziness has won to the point where I don't write it down and it is lost forever.

I have been feeling like I was in that funk for a couple of weeks. I wasn't creating anything to happen in my life. No surprise, no big events, nothing to look forward to but the same monotonous day that just keeps occurring and then I think if this is how my eternal recurrence will be looking through the eyes of Nietzsche then I pray there better be a God. Although I know it is much more simple after life, there is nothing. I think about this and realize I must create. I must focus, I must live and not get trapped by any funk or financial digression. Part of living is to struggle but part of joy is overcoming these struggles and realizing that it is my life. Live it. Don't be defined by others, don't live to the expectations of society. Live  each experience. Live each moment. Create a moment to be living in. Make things happen. Don't sit around waiting. Drown yourself in the sea.

I didn't see this part of me until I got my bike brakes fixed. I struggled cycling because I had to take some hills nice and slow, especially going down hill. I had to struggle. I couldn't brake, it was scary, possibly deathly but that was because of cars and traffic but if I could have kept going with out worrying about those other people it would have felt like freedom, satisfying. I am thankful I have brakes again and my bike. The extension to my life, the thing that make me feel the most free. The thing that grants my will. Sometimes it is a pain in the ass but that is freedom. I have to give myself some restrictions of complete freedom like having safety brakes but what I am learning now is to not always depend on safety brakes by depending on them to much you are constraining yourself causing a new struggle but a struggle that is trapping you. Creating a struggle that has no boundaries but a safety brake sounds better.

I missed seizing certain moments that could have been life changing. I wanted to see what will happen instead of doing. I am tired of waiting. I need to create, engage, live. I know I will struggle and get in other funks but I also know I am making things happen. It is not about having plans and goals for a future. Those things are nice, it is about the small things. Not knowing what you are going to do the next day but knowing you are going to do something. The things I currently do know that I am doing is that I am going to Lubbock to see the Nevada football game, I will be going to a Thrice concert and Niki (@missniki13) is visiting me for that, and I am taking the GREs. That is enough for me to know but I know this now I need to live in other ways. I need to create smaller random things and become more spontaneous from day to day.